Ohio really did go to President Obama last night. And he really did win. And he really was born in Hawaii. And he really is, legitimately, President of the United States again. And the Bureau of Labor Statistics did not make up a fake unemployment rate last month. And the Congressional Research Service really can find no evidence that cutting taxes on rich people grows the economy. And the polls were not skewed to over-sample Democrats. And Nate Silver was not making up fake predictions about the election to make conservatives feel bad. Nate Silver was doing math. And climate change is real. And rape really does cause pregnancy sometimes. And evolution is a thing … And nobody’s taking away anyone’s guns. And taxes have not gone up. And the deficit is dropping, actually. And Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction. And the moon landing was real. And FEMA is not building concentration camps. And UN election observers are not taking over Texas. And moderate reforms of regulations on the insurance industry and the financial services industry are not the same thing as Communism.
YOU KNOW WHEN YOU’RE JUST DRIVING AROUND OR YOU’RE IN H&M OR SOMETHING AND SOME STUPID SONG COMES ON AND IT JUST DIGS UP ALL THESE FEELINGS THAT YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WERE BURIED IN THE SEDIMENT AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR HEART AND YOU’RE JUST SITTING AT A RED LIGHT OR FONDLING A SWEATER AND YOU START GETTING THE WEEPS? LIKE YOUR EYES JUST START LEAKING AND SUDDENLY YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT THE WAY YOUR EX’S HAIR SMELLED OR A T-SHIRT THEY HAD THAT WAS FALLING APART AND IT’S JUST AVRIL LAVIGNE’S ‘MY HAPPY ENDING’ OR FUCKING HALL & OATES OR SOMETHING AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU’RE CRYING, LET ALONE CRYING TO THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF A STICK OF GUM, AND YOU START THINKING ABOUT TIME MACHINES AND L’ESPIRIT DE L’ESCALIER OR RILKE QUOTES OR WHATEVER AND THE SALESGIRL IS JUST LOOKING AT YOU LIKE, “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?” AND YOU WANT TO SCREAM, “SOMETIMES I FEEL FEELINGS, YOU PERT, JUDGMENTAL EATING DISORDER BILLBOARD! LEAVE ME ALONE!” BUT YOU DON’T, YOU JUST PUT THE SWEATER BACK OR THE LIGHT CHANGES AND YOU GO ON ABOUT YOUR DAY AND THE FEELING FADES BUT YOU WONDER FOR HOURS WHAT ELSE IS BURIED DOWN THERE, WAITING FOR A RYAN ADAMS SONG OR A STARBUCKS COMMERCIAL TO DISLODGE IT AND RUIN YOUR WHOLE EVENING?
I’M LIKE A TICKING TIME BOMB OF USELESS NOSTALGIA FOR THINGS THAT PROBABLY NEVER EXISTED.
FORGET ABOUT IT. I’LL BE FINE IN TEN MINUTES. LET’S JUST GET A LATTÉ AND GO TO SEPHORA. I’M ALMOST OUT OF MASCARA.
I don’t understand how this blog can consistently nail fundamental truths about the human condition—through animals talking in all caps.
Agreed - those critters can be scary-insightful.